One Simple Rule

By Wendy Pope

Welcome to the Pope home. The day we took the photo for the magazine cover I was sick: not swine-flu sick, but like I had been run-over-by-a-truck sick. If you had come by our home prior to taking this photo, you would have found me in bed, not having bathed for days, wearing nose uglies, with a house that would make the folks from the show “Clean Sweep” blush. Fast-forward two weeks.

As I write this article I am healthy. However, the tops of my washer and dryer are piled high with clothes that need to be washed, have been washed or just need a place to stay. A sticky unknown substance covers my kitchen counters and tinker toys litter the playroom floor. And the planting bed in the front yard is missing shrubbery because our 9-month-old puppy destroyed them. This is normal in the Pope home.

Yet, even in this chaos, there is peace and balance. I don’t achieve that balance by keeping a well-manicured yard or a house free of cobwebs and dust bunnies. Rather, I achieve balance by setting priorities and keeping them. It is a state of mind that stays with me in the midst of a messy house and poorly-groomed lawn.

How did I come to this place? How am I able to sit in the middle of a mess and have peace? Jesus. Jesus is how. For over a decade, I have started each day the same way: in prayer and reading God’s Word. Spending this time every morning gives me power and strength to face whatever the day brings.

My morning date with Jesus has helped me set priorities for my life. Those priorities are God first, family second, followed by ministry and then friends. God has taught me one simple rule that when followed, keeps my life balanced: Say “yes” to God, “no” to self, and “maybe” to others.

Believe it or not, saying “yes” to God is the easiest part of this rule. His plans for me are good. He offers me a hopeful future. Having this knowledge brings peace in itself. I don’t have to worry, only rest in His leadership.

The second and third portions of my “life rule” are more difficult. Not because the Lord is demanding, but because I am selfish by nature and the little girl in me at times still cries, “What about me?”

Being in a two-parent working family, with two kids, and a puppy, there is not much time for “What about me?” This is where trusting in the Lord’s provision and care for me must be strong. It’s imperative to trust that He sees all I do and will provide what I need when I need it.

Saying “maybe” to others is one of the toughest challenges for me. Most women like to be useful. God made us with the desire to serve, love and care for others. We are gifted at multi-tasking, therefore believe it is possible to be PTA president, leader of the Cherub Choir at church, head of the local chapter of Meals on Wheels, and serve on the Community Beautification team. Learning to say “maybe” and then asking for God’s permission and blessing has brought me great freedom. There is peace knowing I don’t have to do it all.

Rules get broken, even simple ones. At times my priorities get “off-balance” a bit. For instance, when Karate demo team practice lasts two hours instead of one, and my daughter gets to her friend’s house late. When this happens, I go with the flow of life, ask for God’s help, and get through the “off-balance” situations one day at time.

Wendy Pope is married with two children. She’s the author of “Out of the Mouths of Babes,” is a contributing author for “God’s Purpose for Every Woman” and “The Reason We Speak,” and has been featured in the “P31 Woman” magazine. You can read Wendy’s devotions in “Encouragement for Today” online devotions, which reach over 300,000 daily. In 2009, Wendy led over 1,000 people through a daily study of the “One-Year Chronological Bible.” Join her in 2010 for another year of online Bible study by visiting www.wendypope.org.

Protecting the Oneness in Marriage

By Melanie Chitwood

A perfect Saturday in the past would have included sleeping in, watching my sons play basketball, enjoying a meal cooked by someone else, and watching a ball game on TV. Over the course of this year, however, my idea of a perfect Saturday has changed. This past Saturday exemplifies what is now typical, and ideal, for our family. After watching our sons’ games, my husband and I spent the remainder of the day working side-by-side at our family-owned business. My husband Scott handled the various activities of the volleyball tryouts and basketball leagues taking place at our indoor gym, while my main job consisted of sitting by his side.

Could Scott have handled the day’s responsibilities without me? Absolutely. However, I’ve learned that working alongside Scott at our business is one way I can nurture the oneness God wants us, and every married couple, to experience.

In Matthew 19:6, Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate“ (NAS). God says a married couple becomes “one flesh” on the day they marry, and then they work out that oneness all the days of their lives. God intends husbands and wives to know each other and be known intimately in all ways, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

All the good habits we practice in marriage are like little stitches strengthening the fabric of oneness in our marriage. When the stress of life pulls against the seams, then we discover the strength or weakness of our marriages. If we’ve only sewn a few stitches, challenges will rip the seams apart. On the other hand, if we’ve spent days and years sewing small stitches in the fabric of our marriage, we’ll find that it will hold up under life’s pressures.

How can those of us who are married strengthen our oneness? Here are some practical ways to do this:

Consider your priorities. During our wedding ceremony 18 years ago, our pastor encouraged Scott and me to make time to date one another. At the time, I thought, Of course, time together will always be a priority! Eighteen years later, however, I know how easily other matters, such as jobs, kids, financial burdens, busyness, hobbies and stress can threaten oneness in marriage.

One way I determine if I’m living according to my priorities is to ask myself this question: Who or what is getting my best time and energy? It’s easy to say our husbands are a top priority, but we need to be honest about how much time and energy we really devote to our marriages. What are you doing to be your husband’s friend? Do you make physical intimacy a priority, or are you too worn out from other activities by the time you go to bed?

Consider your heart. Proverbs 4:23 cautions us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (NLT). Whatever is in our hearts will eventually be reflected in our actions. Our hearts must be first committed to God and secondly to our spouses. Ask God to show you anything in your heart that is a barrier to closeness with your husband. Has unforgiveness or bitterness toward him taken root? Have disappointments or frustrations spilled over to harshness or coldness? Spend time with God confessing your sins and asking Him to create a clean heart in you.

Consider your thoughts. If you’re like me, you’ve probably had times where you’ve rehashed your spouse’s hurtful or angry words. Or maybe you’ve compared your husband to another man and found your husband coming up short. These thoughts do nothing but tear away at the stitches of oneness between you and your husband. The truth is that you and your husband are both sinners in need of grace from God and need to extend grace toward each other. Be careful that you don’t dwell on the worst qualities of your spouse; instead remind yourself of the reasons you love him and say a prayer of thanks. Ask God to shape your thoughts toward your husband.

Consider your words. How do you speak to your best friend, sister or mother about your husband? Deter-mine to present him only in the best light. What words do your kids hear you speak? One of the sweetest things Scott does is constantly tell our sons how lucky they are to have me as their mother. That makes me feel loved, and in return I’ve become more aware of my words about Scott to our children and others.

Consider your actions. Jesus Christ was a servant who laid down His rights for the sake of loving others. How can you be a vessel of Christ’s love toward your spouse? Show your spouse your love by cheering him at his softball game, taking him to a movie he prefers, or having a good talk at the end of the day.

Prayerfully consider the various areas addressed here. Ask God to show you how you can strengthen the oneness in your marriage. You’ll be glad you took time to sew some stitches today, knowing that the fabric of your marriage will hold tightly against the pulls and pressures of tomorrow.

Melanie Chitwood is wife to Scott, co-owner of Carolina Courts in Charlotte, North Carolina, and mother to Zachary and Tyler. She is a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker, and the author of two books, “What a Husband Needs from His Wife” and “What a Wife Needs from her Husband.” To learn more about Melanie, visit her website at melaniechitwood.com.

Proverbs 31 Ministries is proud to announce the publication of Melanie’s latest book, “What a Wife Needs From Her Husband” just released by Harvest House Publishers. This book and its companion “What a Husband Needs From His Wife” are available for a discounted price this month. Please see the back page of the magazine for ordering information.

Adapted from “What a Husband Needs from His Wife” and “What a Wife Needs from her Husband.” Published by Harvest House Publishers.

What's Wrong With Me?

By Melissa Taylor

What is wrong with me? I’m 40 years old. I’ve lived long enough to figure out this thing called life. I’ve overcome so much from the past. I love the Lord and long to please Him. I have an amazing family. I am a part of an incredible ministry. I aim to be authentic and truthful. I desire to be a good wife. I aspire to be a better speaker and writer. Why do I feel this way if I’m totally trusting God with my life? My husband wouldn’t understand my inner feelings. Friends would never depend on me if they knew my insecurity. No one would read my devotions or invite me to speak if they knew the real me. Who can I talk to? No one. What is wrong with me? Help me Lord; I need help now.

One year ago those words spilled forth from a secret, honest place deep within my heart. Not an isolated season, they characterized many difficult phases of my life hidden from others. On the outside I appeared a happy woman, who has it all together. If you looked a little closer, past the mask, you might have seen the emotional turmoil brewing beneath the surface. I was good at wearing masks; telling others one story on the outside and covering up a completely different story on the inside.

My name is Melissa Taylor, and I suffer from anxiety and depression. There, I said it. What a relief to acknowledge and handle it appropriately rather than attempting to fix it alone.

Out of shame, I hid these emotions. Embarrassment hounded me. How could I struggle with this? After all, I was a strong Christian woman, teaching Bible classes, having a quiet time, and praying. Yet I couldn’t overcome the anxiety and depression. I knew I needed help, but was too prideful to ask for it. Well-meaning friends encouraged me with, “all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27, NIV). A strong Christian wife, mom, friend, speaker, writer and Bible teacher should not need help with her emotional state. She should be able to pray the problems away - shouldn’t she? Guilt lied to me, “Yes!”

So I prayed eagerly, seeking God to take away the panic and anxiety. Yet it continued to attack. For four years, feelings of unworthiness, helplessness and anxiety motivated me to quit speaking and writing with Proverbs 31, at least 10 times. At home, nervousness, tears that came far too easily, and thin patience revealed the anxiety within. As a result, we suffered as a family, and I wondered again, “What is wrong with me?”

I really needed help. James 1:5 promises, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (NIV). On the brink of a nervous breakdown, I cried out for God’s wisdom to lead me to help. He directed me to my doctor and counselor, and gave them wisdom to prescribe medication. Initially I strongly objected and tried other avenues like dietary changes, relaxation techniques, exercise, journaling, and other means. I made changes, but none of them took away the anxiety or depression.

Eventually, I relented and tried medication. What a difficult decision. I felt like a failure as a woman and Christian, but have since learned that is a lie. Medication changed my life, giving me the ability to unmask my emotions. I realize the church falls on different sides of this issue. Some adamantly disagree with relying on external aids, while others see value in coupling tools to administer healing.

I have a good friend who has dealt with depression most of her life. Her biggest critics? Christians. She wishes she could say to people, “Don’t judge my faith based on my depression. Judge it on my faith in God who helps me through His Word, His presence, His people and even science. The meds don’t matter or have anything to do with my faith. Not letting depression rule me is what counts.”

Another friend spoke of her depression, “Pressure to maintain the ‘Christian’ image was suffocating me. The scar I carry from this year of wilderness wandering is deep, but God has healed me. The darkness still calls and the battle is strong, but victory is in Jesus.” I couldn’t agree more. Victory is in Jesus, and I give Him all the glory and thanks for leading me to people who could help.

Treatment of my depression and anxiety is like a team sport. My “Head Coach” is the Lord. My “assistant coaches” are my husband, doctors, counselors and a few friends. The Star Player is me. I play by the rules set by my Head Coach, but I also take instructions from the assistant coaches and it’s up to me to carry out the proper instruction.

Today I stand here as a woman who praises the Lord for hearing her cry for help and leading her to greener pastures. I have taken to heart what Isaiah 43:1-4a says and personalized it:

“But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, Melissa, he who formed you, Melissa: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior … since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you …’” (NIV)

Yes, He loves me and I belong to Him. I’m not afraid or ashamed anymore. My name is Melissa Taylor, and I am a beloved, free and beautiful child of God. There, I said it! And I meant it too.

Boys, Basketballs and Building a Gym

By Melanie Chitwood

A year ago my husband Scott told me that he wanted to pursue his passion of coaching youth sports. He was already coaching for our community teams, so I thought this might involve more coaching on the weekends. I can remember thinking: If that’s where Scott feels God leading him, then I’ll support him.

While I pictured Scott coaching during his free time, Scott’s dreams surpassed anything I could imagine. When he told me he wanted to build a basketball gym, all I could think of was a slight variation on the line from the movie, “Field of Dreams,” If you build it, they will come. I shared this thought with Scott, while laughing at my cleverness and his crazy idea. When he didn’t laugh along with me, however, I soon realized that he was completely serious. So we started seriously praying and seeking God’s will. After months of prayer and preparation, we’ll open Carolina Courts, an indoor gym with five basketball/volleyball courts, at the end of this year.

When Scott first shared with me the dream God was planting in his heart, I should have known immediately that this dream wasn’t going away. Scott’s dreams are almost always big dreams, for that’s how God has wired him. And while this adventuresome spirit is one of the most attractive qualities of Scott, it’s also one of the most challenging ones to me.

You see, I am a woman who is not adventuresome. I don’t really like to be stretched or to step out of my comfort zone. I like to get life all figured out and settle in for some predictability. At heart, I like to be in control. However, God has used countless situations, especially those in my marriage, to help me become the woman He wants me to be, a woman surrendered to His plans.

God gave me opportunities early in our marriage to learn to surrender to His plans. When we first married, we prayed about Scott leaving the teaching world to pursue one of his passions of being a pilot. After many years of teaching high schoolers while pursuing his pilot’s license on the side, Scott became a pilot flying for US Airways. We moved to Charlotte for Scott to start this dream job, and for the first time I got to be a stay-at-home mom to my two young sons, Tyler and Zachary.

At first, the initial newness of everything fueled my happiness. Before long, however, reality set in and I didn’t handle that reality very well. My pilot husband traveled days and nights in a row, leaving me and two little ones in a city where I knew no one. The days were long and I was lonely.

I complained to God, to Scott, and anyone else who would listen. I told God over and over that my situation was too hard, that I wanted a partner, and that I hated being alone so much. I told Him I had dreams, too. How could I pursue them when all my energy and time was devoted to the home front?

Life wasn’t turning out the way I had expected, and I was resentful. In a nutshell, I was uncomfortable and felt powerless to make anything change. After all, Scott was a pilot, he’d be away, and there wasn’t really anything I could do to change that. I felt completely out of control.

I wish I could say that I quickly turned to God, that after a few months I learned to trust Him and His plans. But I didn’t. I complained and resisted my circumstances for years. About eight years into our marriage, I just became absolutely weary with our strife-filled marriage. I was desperate for our marriage to be one that reflected God’s peace, joy, and intimacy. Also, I did not want our two sons to grow up in a home of turmoil.

When I reached the end of trying to orchestrate my own life, I finally turned to God and asked Him, What do You want me to do? I am desperate for You. As I continued to pray and to read Scripture, the words of a familiar passage seemed to leap off the page and into my heart. It was Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (NASB). As I continued praying, crying, and confessing my sin, I surrendered: Lord, I’m ready to let You truly be in control of my life. I’m surrendering to You, Lord. I’m trusting You.

Since that day, I’ve had many more opportunities to surrender to God’s plans for me, and to embrace situations which haven’t been what I would have chosen or expected. Scott lost his job after only two years of flying and was out of work for six months. We had to sell our home, a home that I considered my dream home. Though I was disappointed, I was able to trust God’s plans, and not fear the future.

As our sons have gotten older, their lives have centered on boy things. Every corner of my home is filled with basketballs or Legos. This is not what I had imagined for my life; I grew up loving Barbie dolls, books, and the color pink. Again, I know the life I would have planned for myself would have been a very me-centered life; one that would not have stretched me or caused me to live in daily dependence on God. I can honestly say that I love this basketball and boy world and wouldn’t want my life to be any other way.

Since that day of surrender, I’ve also seen my dreams of writing come true. The first book I wrote is “What a Husband Needs from His Wife.” If anyone had told me years ago that I would write a marriage book, I would have laughed heartily. For so long I wrestled between telling God how to change my husband and asking God what kind of wife he wanted me to be. Now I see that all that learning was part of his plans for me, much better plans that I could ever have orchestrated myself.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned repeatedly in my journey with God is the lesson of surrender, and as I have, my heart’s desire has changed. More than reaching a specific goal or making sure my plans get carried out, the desire of my heart is to know the Lord more intimately each day of my life. Psalm 37:4 reads, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart”(NASB). I’ve learned to hold tightly to the Lord instead of my own ways. When I’m in that place where the Lord is my delight, it’s a place of surrender to the plans God has for me.

As our family is preparing for our new adventure with Carolina Courts, the surrender to God’s plans comes more easily and quickly. I’m able to pray: Lord, I’m not sure how this is going to turn out, but I’m sure of You. I’m trusting You. Lord, if You build it, they will come.

Bridges to Oneness

By Allan and Charlene Kidd

“That’s why a man will leave his own father and mother. He marries a woman, and the two of them become like one person” Genesis 2:24 (CEV).

This seems like a simple guideline in Scripture: You get married and become just like one person – thinking similar thoughts, living in perfect harmony, coming to argument-free agreement. Anyone married more than a week knows that it’s not that simple, and it’s definitely not without challenges. So how are we going to live out this commission from Scripture that two shall become one?

Although we were born on the exact same day and year, we are very different people. We both came from homes that were broken for various and different reasons, so our experiences and views of marriage were vastly different. For Charlene’s family, birthdays were celebrated with a lot of fanfare. There was a party, cake, ice cream, and lots of presents.

Allan’s family had a whole different perspective. Because his parents separated when he was young there wasn’t much emphasis on family milestones. He received only a phone call and maybe a card from his dad. Although the love was there, it was expressed differently.

These types of different experiences and expectations can lead to barriers in a relationship. To overcome these barriers, Allan has learned to give Charlene birthday presents and Charlene has taught Allan about the value of chocolate cake (or anything chocolate).

Throughout our 17 years of marriage, we both have had to remove barriers and build bridges to oneness. But how do you do that in today’s busy life? We all have work, church commitments, children and all their activities. When and how do you make time for God and your spouse? It has been said that people make time for what is important to them; however, the urgent sometimes gets in the way.

Here are some common barriers to oneness that couples experience:

Barriers to Oneness:

• Concentrating on your spouse’s weaknesses. In most marriages one spouse’s weaknesses are the other’s strengths and vice versa.
• Putting children, hobbies and work before each other and God. Proverbs 14:12 reminds us that our own ways and pursuits may seem logical and practical but they may not be God’s ways for us.
• Wherever there’s a barrier, there’s an opportunity to build a bridge

Bridges to Oneness:

• Embrace your differences and know God made you the way you are for a reason: Remember you were both made in God’s image (Gen 1:27) and because “we [each] are God’s workmanship” (Eph 2:10 NIV), we should treat each other as a gift from God.
• Prioritize your time with God through dedicated prayer/quiet time and with your spouse through regular date nights: As we are told in Matthew 6:21, “Where ever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” We must treasure our relationship with God and our spouses.

In our relationship, Allan is very diplomatic and analytical, while Charlene is more emotional and feeling-driven. To build a bridge for our differences Allan has chosen to be more spontaneous, and Charlene has learned to step back momentarily before jumping headfirst into things. It is not always easy to make these adjustments, but it is vital to the long-term success of the marriage.

The bridge builder we use to prioritize our time together is to schedule regular date times. This has proven to keep the excitement and closeness in our relationship. Since we both have varied schedules, we look at our schedules weekly to set up a time that works best. We might have a lunch date one week, dinner another, and play nine holes of golf the next. Our time focused on each other is precious and productive, no matter when it is.

Another great tool we’ve found to break down barriers and build bridges in our marriage relationship is found in the principles Gary Chapman presents in “The Five Love Languages.” We’ve learned that each of us communicates love in one of five unique ways. Knowing how we show love, and how our spouse expects us to show love, can keep our “love tank” full. Allan’s primary love language is “words of affirmation” and Charlene’s is “acts of service.” One simple way Allan shows love for Charlene is by vacuuming the house. Charlene sends Allan encouraging emails, notes or a text message to let him know he is important.

God’s word commissions us as a married couple to become as one. By choosing to build bridges instead of barriers, we can all create relationships that are more joy-filled and productive. With God as the uniting link in our marriage relationships, no barrier can block our success.

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Victoria's Little Secret

by: Lysa TerKeurst

Okay, confession time ladies. Victoria's got a little secret, and I'm not in on it! This newfound knowledge came to me last week with the treasure I found while cleaning my office. I was making great progress when suddenly I spotted an envelope with hearts all over the outside and a certificate inside.

I was thrilled to have found this unexpected surprise, I eagerly opened it and found it was a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret. "Oh her," I thought, a little disappointed. Not that I don't like sweet little Victoria, it's just that she is a reminder that my post-kid body leaves a lot to be desired. The thought of wearing something scratchy, overly revealing and undersized just doesn't motivate me to make a special trip to the mall.

I guess when I got the gift certificate, I filed it away with good intentions to use it when my taste buds died, my body shrunk, and muscles suddenly appeared in all the right places. So, when had I gotten this little gift? Upon closer investigation, I doubled over in laughter as I realized the certificate was over 10 years old! My husband came over to see what was so funny and I handed him the paper. He found no humor in the situation and offered to take it off my hands and use it to buy me a gift. I just smiled at him and requested that he remember two things on his shopping trip: warmth and comfort! Does Victoria make flannel PJ's?

Whether it is because of changes in our bodies, sleep deprivation, time constraints, financial pressures, or a myriad other things, marriage changes after kids. But it doesn't have to be for the worse. We must still make our marriage a priority and watch it grow stronger through the kid-years. After all, one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is the security of a solid love relationship between Mom and Dad.

We know this with our heads, but the realities of life make it easy for marriages to slip into what I call "business-partner mode." You are doing life together and sharing responsibilities, but your relationship is void of the romantic spark that keeps a marriage exciting and thriving. Finding that 10-year-old certificate was a wake-up call for me to take an honest assessment of where the romance barometer was registering in my marriage. And to be honest, we were found lacking.

Somewhere between two hectic schedules we'd stopped getting intentional with our love life. Soccer games, gymnastics meets, school projects, serving in ministry, home repair projects, yard work, running a business, paying the bills are all important things, but they had crowded out time for Art and me to just be together.

So, instead of hoping things will magically reignite and get better, I've decided to actively pursue a richer relationship with my husband. It will be a matter of choice, not chance. Here are some of my newly resolved choices:

1. Seduce him.
Oh, gasp! Is that allowed in a Christian magazine? Absolutely! I know when my husband has been left wanting for too many days in a row, he gets cranky! So, I thought about what makes me just as cranky. The answer is food, or the lack thereof. When I'm really hungry and can't get some food, my perception of everything gets skewed and my mood sours. This is true for most women, so to continue this analogy, imagine for a minute that your husband was your only source for food. But, every time you went to him to get this nourishment you not only want but need, he responded, "Not now. I'm too tired. I have a headache." It would be quite irritating.

When I think about this scenario, it breaks my heart to think of how often my husband comes to me for the intimate nourishment that he not only wants but needs, and I don't respond. So I'm challenging myself to make the intimate needs of my husband a priority. God says that sex inside marriage is a gift and through it He blesses the husband and the wife. Most husbands would love it if their wives were a little more intentional about initiating intimate connections, so seduce him!

2. Serve him.
Oh, I can feel eyes rolling on this one. However, I've discovered that my husband sees me serving all kinds of people … our kids, the women at Proverbs 31 Ministries, friends and neighbors. But when is the last time I really looked for something he wanted and did it for him? Sometimes the thing we least want to do in our marriages might be the very thing that could help our relationships most.

A friend of mine doesn't like to cook, but a homemade meal means the world to her husband. Recently, I encouraged her instead of trying to convince him his expectations are unrealistic, to make it a priority to make him feel respected and loved by cooking for him. It was what she least wanted to do, but after she cooked her husband a delicious meal, the smile on his face and the pep in his attitude gave her the motivation to pull out her cookbooks more often. Instead of getting offended the next time your spouse asks if you can do something to better meet his expectations, why not see it as an opportunity to invest in your marriage? It's worked wonders for my friend's marriage and it just might work wonders for yours as well.

3. Simply be sweet to him.
Why is it that I can be so kind to strangers and then - just seconds later - impatient and unkind to those I love most? Unfortunately that old saying is true, "Familiarity breeds contempt." I don't want short fuses, quick tempers and rushed conversations to be the legacy I build with my husband. The Bible tells us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19 NIV). I have to not only desire to be kind to the ones I love, but I have to choose to do so each moment, reaction by reaction. I have to think about my words before I speak and ask myself, "Am I being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry?" If this is what I really want for all my interactions with my husband, then I've got to make the choice to swallow my quick wit and cutting remarks, and simply be sweet!

So, my little hidden gift certificate actually has served me well. It was a sign that I need to make some adjustments and investments. I think I'll ask Art if I can accompany him to the mall. And no, I won't be in search of flannel. Maybe I'm starting to clue in to Victoria's little secret after all.

Help! I Think I've Misplaced My Sexual Desire...

by Lysa TerKeurst

Sex.

Bring up this topic among a group of women and you'll get quite a response: giggles, rolled eyes, smiles and yes, some frowns. While speaking recently at a women's conference, I led a session entitled, "The Eight Things Every Wife Should Know." Number three on the list is Enjoy Your Husband Sexually. I told the women that I didn't title the session "endure him" sexually or "put up with him" sexually; I intentionally used the word "enjoy." The ladies got very quiet, and I think I know why.

Had I been sitting in that audience just a few years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the speaker and quietly picked at a thread on my jeans while discounting everything she said. The reality was enjoying sex and truly desiring my husband was an "I can't" in my life. Since the theme of my articles this year will be "tackling the I can'ts of life," I knew I needed to address this one.

I had bought into the notion that sex was a chore and something else I had to do for my husband. It was in no way a priority to me, and my husband knew it. It became a huge source of conflict in our marriage. The very thing God designed to bring us closer together was tearing us apart. I felt frustrated and misunderstood. Art felt neglected and rejected. Satan, whose very name means "one who causes a separation between two," was having a field day.

I finally got to such a broken and weary place that I cried out to God. "Can I talk to you about sex, God?" I whispered the word "sex," as if my having been troubled by this topic for years was some big secret to Him. As I prayed, my words went from embarrassed whispers to loud cries for help. Slowly, truths and perspectives started filling my mind that could have only come from God.

God gave me a word picture to help me better understand my husband's point of view. I mentioned this in one of my feature articles from last year but I think it is worth repeating. Imagine if my husband was the only source of food my body not only wanted, but needed. However, every time I went to him for food he would reply, "Not now … Are you crazy? … I'm too tired …

I have a headache … no." After a while, my hunger would consume me, I would grow bitter towards him, and eventually I would look for food elsewhere.

Just like I need food, my husband needs the sexual nourishment only I can provide. His desire for intimate connection with me was given to Him by God and is a gift to draw us together. Under God's perfect plan for marriage, I'm the only one he can share this gift with. But he not only needs me to share the encounter with him, he also wants me to share in the desire for sex. He needs to hear that I want him!

I'll never forget how mechanical I sounded the first time I tried to utter, "Oh honey, I really w-w-w-want you." Art just smiled back and said, "Wow, I can really tell." But over the years I've learned how to whisper this in his ear and really mean it. It lights my man's world on fire to hear me express my desire for him. And do you know how I got a burning desire back for my husband? I asked God for it.

I asked God to retrain my mind. I asked God for a burning desire for my husband. I asked God to reveal to me ways to make sexual encounters with my husband a bigger priority in my life. I asked God to give me wisdom to better understand my body and courage to talk to my husband about the things that truly make me feel good. I asked God to help me think about sex in good and desirable ways. And it worked. God honored each one of my requests.

I'm not perfect in this area. I still have quite a way to go. But I realize that my marriage is worth the investment of time, creativity and energy.

Oh, the cutest man you've ever seen just pulled up in my driveway. It's time for me to go and whisper something in his ear!

Rejoicing in His Amazing Love,

Lysa