Help! I Think I've Misplaced My Sexual Desire...
by Lysa TerKeurst


Bring up this topic among a group of women and you'll get quite a response: giggles, rolled eyes, smiles and yes, some frowns. While speaking recently at a women's conference, I led a session entitled, "The Eight Things Every Wife Should Know." Number three on the list is Enjoy Your Husband Sexually. I told the women that I didn't title the session "endure him" sexually or "put up with him" sexually; I intentionally used the word "enjoy." The ladies got very quiet, and I think I know why.

Had I been sitting in that audience just a few years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the speaker and quietly picked at a thread on my jeans while discounting everything she said. The reality was enjoying sex and truly desiring my husband was an "I can't" in my life. Since the theme of my articles this year will be "tackling the I can'ts of life," I knew I needed to address this one.

I had bought into the notion that sex was a chore and something else I had to do for my husband. It was in no way a priority to me, and my husband knew it. It became a huge source of conflict in our marriage. The very thing God designed to bring us closer together was tearing us apart. I felt frustrated and misunderstood. Art felt neglected and rejected. Satan, whose very name means "one who causes a separation between two," was having a field day.

I finally got to such a broken and weary place that I cried out to God. "Can I talk to you about sex, God?" I whispered the word "sex," as if my having been troubled by this topic for years was some big secret to Him. As I prayed, my words went from embarrassed whispers to loud cries for help. Slowly, truths and perspectives started filling my mind that could have only come from God.

God gave me a word picture to help me better understand my husband's point of view. I mentioned this in one of my feature articles from last year but I think it is worth repeating. Imagine if my husband was the only source of food my body not only wanted, but needed. However, every time I went to him for food he would reply, "Not now … Are you crazy? … I'm too tired …

I have a headache … no." After a while, my hunger would consume me, I would grow bitter towards him, and eventually I would look for food elsewhere.

Just like I need food, my husband needs the sexual nourishment only I can provide. His desire for intimate connection with me was given to Him by God and is a gift to draw us together. Under God's perfect plan for marriage, I'm the only one he can share this gift with. But he not only needs me to share the encounter with him, he also wants me to share in the desire for sex. He needs to hear that I want him!

I'll never forget how mechanical I sounded the first time I tried to utter, "Oh honey, I really w-w-w-want you." Art just smiled back and said, "Wow, I can really tell." But over the years I've learned how to whisper this in his ear and really mean it. It lights my man's world on fire to hear me express my desire for him. And do you know how I got a burning desire back for my husband? I asked God for it.

I asked God to retrain my mind. I asked God for a burning desire for my husband. I asked God to reveal to me ways to make sexual encounters with my husband a bigger priority in my life. I asked God to give me wisdom to better understand my body and courage to talk to my husband about the things that truly make me feel good. I asked God to help me think about sex in good and desirable ways. And it worked. God honored each one of my requests.

I'm not perfect in this area. I still have quite a way to go. But I realize that my marriage is worth the investment of time, creativity and energy.

Oh, the cutest man you've ever seen just pulled up in my driveway. It's time for me to go and whisper something in his ear!

Rejoicing in His Amazing Love,




Blogger rebekah martin said...

Lysa, I so agree with your article! Before marriage, I did not have much desire for sex, although I did have desire for love, intimacy, and acceptance. When I began this deliscious journey called a sexual relationship with my beloved husband, I realized what I had been missing (although I did want to wait until marriage)!!! We have our ups and downs, and my Andrew wants sex more than I do most of the time, but when I respond warmly to his touch and try to enjoy sex with my husband, we reconnect each time! Now, how do we connect in other areas of our marriage? I'm still learning! Love ya! Rebekah Martin, Kentucky

Blogger nicole lackey said...

i thank you very much for this article. it has opened my eyes and allowed me to few things in a better (God) view. thank you

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Blogger Angie said...

This last week has been a hard week for me. Praying for God to make a change in many areas of my life. I asked him to work on me like He never has before..and He is. I keep coming to Proverbs 31 site jumping from blog to blog, article to article. Never before has he put so many things in front of my face.
The words in this article could have come straight from my mouth.
I'm at the beginning of a long road I know.
Thank you for your openness in this article.

Blogger Karen said...

Lysa, I am so thankful that God let me to your site. I have been struggling with lack of desire for so long but thought I was the only one that wasn't "normal". I keep thinking "what's wrong with me? this is suppose to come naturally!" I've been blaming it on health issues but maybe it's much more than that. Please pray for me and with me as I try to get closer to my God and my husband.

Blogger swordpen2u said...

Someone once challenged me: Has your husband ever refused your advances? How did that make you feel?... Well, that's how you make him feel every time you reject him.
It never occurred to me to think of my husband as a man with "feelings". And for some reason it never occurred to me to think of him as my partner in life. Thank you for bringing this topic to light. We all need to invite God into every area of our life in order for things to get better, including the bedroom.

My husband has been thinking a lot about rest lately, and it seems it has been so unavailable. But yesterday, he shared with me that he thinks he finds his rest in our intimacy, in the moments we spend together in the crazy of the day, in the midst of his thorns.

I think that is what being a helpmeet means, offering rest for his weary, especially here.

Blogger Amy Sue said...

Thanks for giving me assurance that God hears these prayers.

Blogger raggedy_e said...

BRAVO!!! This is a huge area of neglect for many of us Christian women for our mates--and, oh, how Satan rejoices in this. I remember hearing somewhere that before marriage, Satan tries to get couples into bed with each other; after marriage, he tries to keep them out of bed with each other. How true!
I feel this is a huge unaddressed area for Christian women, and I've often thought about putting something out there because I've struggled myself over the years: first, because of a promiscuous past; later, because of a seemingly irretrievable lack of trust/love in my marriage; and more recently, because of a decreased libido due to menopause.
But, you are so right that God will work miracles in our hearts/bodies if we will only ASK Him to do so!! Being willing to be transparent sexually with our husbands can renew a tired marriage like nothing else in the world!
Thanks for your openness!!

Blogger Jackie Sill said...

This is so encouraging to me. I just met with some of the leader's in our church to talk about starting a Bible study on this topic for married women. I had done the study about 6 years ago and I found it incredibly helpful. Lately, I have been struggling with finding a place to serve confidently in our church. My husband is a Pastor on staff, but I haven't been able to find "my place". I have been so renewed in my enthusiasm to serve the Lord in my area of giftedness with teaching and as I have shared that vision with women, I have had more than one look at me intensely and whisper, "I want to do it with you". Thank you so much for sharing your heart, which has encouraged me to move forward! God bless you and your marriage!

Blogger raggedy_e said...

I was excited to read Jackie's comment about wanting to teach a women's class on sex at her church. My husband and I have taught several marriage classes (LOVE AND RESPECT/SACRED MARRIAGE), and we always spend a lot of time on the sex chapters. In fact, last year, our youngest couple announced that they had conceived their first child because my husband kept encouraging everyone to "do their homework"!!
FYI, we usually have split our groups up so we can talk more freely. I would be very interested in exchanging ideas with Jackie if she so desired. Thanks for this "forum"!!

Blogger glascock05 said...

hmmm...I need to put more toe nail polish on my toes for all the stomping that came from this post. This has been so eyeopening for me. My husband & I have the same arguement since we got married, 5 years ago. I know that this issue is going to get better with my newfound way to pray to God about the S word. *S* Thanks so much for this!!!

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